# S2E15 – LEARNING HOW TO SAY NO, EVEN AT WORK – how to set boundaries in life & work relationships + finding your purpose with Amina AlTai

Published October 3, 2021

Hi, pod fam!!

I don’t know about you, but a major theme of 2021 for me and a lot of people I’ve talked to has been release—letting go of things that no longer serve you. And what’s on the other side of release? Relief, growth, stepping into your passions and purpose. SOOOOO much good stuff.

This week, we’re joined by Amina AlTai, a business coach who specializes in helping women make space for all that they’re meant to do. She helps with overcoming imposter syndrome, getting clear on purpose and passions, and creating amazing work. We’re starting with a super important convo on setting boundaries and releasing codependent tendencies and then diving deep into identifying and stepping into your purpose. 

Ready for it? Let’s get juicy! 

On recognizing and setting BOUNDARIES… 

Amina says being able to identify and set boundaries in her personal life and career has been one of the biggest and most valuable lessons she’s learned in her lifetime. While the universe tells us all what we need in different ways, Amina’s call was a physical one: doing too much and not setting boundaries at work was costing her her physical health.

For you, a need for boundaries might be felt spiritually, emotionally, or intellectually. If you’re not sure—ask yourself if you feel like you’re “wobbling”: at work, within a relationship, or in your sense of self?

• Where does something just not feel right?
• Where do you notice a shift in balance?
• Are you tolerating things you feel like you shouldn’t?
• Are you feeling frustrated and/or angry? What or who is causing that?
• Are you saying yes when you want to say no?
• Do you feel like you’re outsourcing your sense of worth—seeking validation from other people? (This may indicate a codependent type of relationship, which has to do with boundaries as well; we’ll dig into this more in the ep)

Okay, so you’ve identified a relationship—whether that’s with your boss, your workplace in general, a romantic partner, a friend, a family member. Now what?

Setting boundaries can be suuuuper awkward, and this might be because it feels selfish. But I promise you that it’s not!! “What serves you will always serve the other person,” says Amina. Setting boundaries is simply saying, this is how I’d prefer to be treated or this is how I think we can be more aligned in our needs. It can be a way to establish mutual respect and care and understanding.

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” —Prentis Hemphill

How to say “no” (and when it’s time to say goodbye)

One of the most helpful tips Amina provides (and she has SO many helpful tips) is simply to rename boundaries to “parameters” or another word that has less scary or serious implications. Whether you’re just using this word in your own mind or in conversation, it can help set your comfort level. 

As for communicating your boundaries/parameters to someone else, the key is open communication. Here are some of Amina’s tips for fostering open communication:

• Journal/take notes beforehand to know what you want to get out of the conversation
• Have a framework to start with so you’re not putting all-over-the-place emotions on the other person
• Create a comfortable space for the other person 
• Understand that your goal is a conversation; you’re not here to vent or elicit a reaction 
• Open up a dialogue—allow the other person to suggest actions instead of just listing your demands

And if the convo is with your boss/manager, Amina offers one more tip: consider the Center for Creative Leadership’s SBI approach: “situation, behavior, impact, solution.” Outline what’s happening, what behavior is affecting you, how it’s affecting you, and what kind of a solution you see helping the situation.

And here’s the uncomfy part: we can tell when we’re not in alignment with someone. If we communicate a boundary/parameter to them and it’s making them feel a different way that’s not serving either of you, it may be time to let go of that relationship (personal or professional)—or take a step back (more on this in the ep).

Okay, moving on to the next juicy topic…PURPOSE.

Over the last 18 months or so, A LOT of people have been evaluating and questioning their current roles. It’s no surprise—how many of us have been feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, not fully expressed in the last year or two? All hands up? Sounds about right! 

It’s been such a big movement that it’s been dubbed “The Great Resignation.” Something like 40% of the workforce has left a position in 2021. That’s SO MANY PEOPLE. 

Why is this happening? A lot of reasons, but the common denominator is that people are feeling out of alignment with their jobs (kind of like the setting boundaries feeling). We’re expecting and demanding more out of where we give our time and energy and talents—AS WE SHOULD. 

So, what happens when we realize we’re not aligned with our current job? Where do we go from here? This is where Amina steps in with her clients—helping them recognize and then step into their purpose. 

One thing she starts with is called The Three E’s. We all have unique energy codes, she tells us, and move through life differently because of these. It’s how we sort of fit in the world. The Three Es are as follows:

• Exceptional Abilities – innate abilities, almost like channeling something, very natural 
• Excellent Abilities – polished, practiced, proficient (often what we went to school for)
• Eh Abilities – average, not our place to shine 

To identify your purpose, you’ll want to understand and anchor in your exceptional abilities. These tend to use less energy and mindshare (so you can do the work for a lifetime and not just a season), and when you’re anchored in them, your contribution to the world can have such an incredible ripple effect. If possible, design or seek out a job role that revolves around your abilities (not just relying on a job description).  

So, how do you know what your exceptional abilities and purpose are? Amina suggests diving into the following questions:

• What brings us joy?
• What do we want to impact in this world? 
• What do we value?
• What do we need to be able to create in our lives?

I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear what resonates for you with these questions. Please reach out to me on IG with your thoughts on boundaries, purpose, and how you’re going to channel those exceptional abilities of yours!! 

Here’s the Passion and Purpose worksheet we spoke about in the episode!

xoxo,

Olivia

Connect with Amina AlTai:

Follow @aminaaltai on IG

Visit her website